A Confession

Here we are. At the two year expiration date. Did you know that I have never had what I thought was a close friendship last more than two years? They always got fed up with me and decided to phase me out of their life. I was the cancer than they needed to cut away. Me? I was cancerous? I have been spending my entire life trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Why doesn’t anyone want to remain friends with me? Am I that unbearable? I keep telling myself that I am not, but it seems to be a pattern in my life. Obviously, I am doing something wrong. It could be that I am an intense friend and most people hate that. But all I have ever wanted is a friend and would do anything to have and keep one. Literally ANYTHING. I just want someone to talk to, have fun with, someone who understands me and most importantly: actually wants to be around me. Being the only friend I know how to be, though, drives most prospective friends away. What a pathetic irony. I don’t want to tell anyone this because I think it makes me sound pathetic.

This is why I cannot figure out why you even take the time to care. But you do. You care enough to deal with all of my capricious emotions and insecurities. I don’t think you understand them completely, and I think they piss you off a lot and yet you still care. Why? I’m not worth it. I am a huge insecure, pain in the ass and YOU’RE STILL MY FRIEND. Even when we have the same fight over and over again: you still listen. Even when we have the most pointless conversation that goes absolutely no where: you still participate. No matter how much all my shit pisses you off, you still do this stuff because I need it. This is why I am so confused all the time. Not a single friend in the past would have ever done this for me. Not a single one. So, the reason I ask about the “state of our friendship” is because I am so damn confused as to why YOU take the time with ME, when no one else has ever bothered. And the reason why I am so intense to you sometimes: because somewhere in the back of my mind (the part that gets clouded with irrational emotions) I am so afraid that I am going to somehow screw up the only real friendship I’ve ever had. I cannot tell you how much thankful I am for you. You are the only person who ever took the time to see through my outside shell to me.

I have never once told you that this is what you mean to me. Though, knowing you, you probably already knew that somewhere deep down and I never really needed to tell you. But I am going to anyways: Thank you. You are and forever will be MY BEST FRIEND.

P.S. I don’t believe in two year expiration dates anymore.